I don't know what to do..

Happy Chinese New Year ! Greetings to everyone :) I bet everyone's still having the CNY Holiday Mood. But it's long gone for me :( !
Bad starting for my year I guess.. Much things didn't actually went well.. and now it's my mom again. From able to walk, and now she's not able to due to a few fall, and I'm really afraid is her head got knocked, that she's having really bad reaction and won't able to control her mind well.. Else is just the Shunt that needs to be adjusted or overflowed with liquids..
I don't know why, I just have a really bad feeling.. and keeps me expecting something bad will happen soon.. Hopefully I'm just wrong.. Bringing my mom check up real soon as appointment needs to be made few days.. I just pray and hope that She'll be all fine..
It's sad to see her giving up on herself previously, and start to just rely everything on us ( family ). But it's even sad, that me, as a son could not do anything.. If I have the chance to just exchange my life span and for her health, I just will..

Let's just hope she'll be fine, and I'm just expecting something blindly to be wrong..

Drainage

Returning to blog means, It's time to mark down things again. Throwing the aches, and perhaps thoughts that I should be leaving behind visually. It's been awhile, and it's the very first post in this year. Considering that I'm gonna blog again. :) Which means, more ke-po-kia gonna ke-po and visit my blog again. Hahaha..

I'm entering 20 this year. I believe that I've grew a lot, as well. Mentally, Physically and also Spiritually. Wide range of point of view, and much, much different from the previous time. Some of you might question, Why am I coming back to blog again? Its because, I have no wear to drop my tears, and I don't want to be in Facebook whereby Hi-Bye friends just go "Like" or think whatever shit they want to. Because in Blog, I could elaborate what I am thinking, rather than a short status which implement, Nothing.

As topic, I talked about Drainage. I wasn't seems much know what to do with my life right now, and I Doubt If I'm really actually happy. I have a perfect boyfriend, I'm happy with my relationship. But It just doesn't seems that the Happy means I'm having means, Happy. I'm a very aggressive person, as well as a partner. I'm self-fish with my relationship, ( Well , WHO DOESN'T? DURHH .. ) Which simply means, HE'S ALL MINE. So yes, my boyfriend stays with his Ex which they were together for 3 years, til date, they still do stay together. I'm actually really proud with myself, for having such high mentality and E.Q to conserve such relationship. I mean, WHO WILL ABLE TO STAND THAT? Well, I did. Miraculously, we're entering 6th month.

I did not bother much, and I'm being really generous. By that It doesn't MEAN that his Ex-Boyfriend and currently, my friend, can take me for granted. I mean, everything has a limit and boundary, and I did not even stop my boyfriend from being friends with him. Let's just cut it short, I just felt Less Important to my boyfriend, It's like he's much important than me. Which causes quite some conflicts because of Him. Sometimes I just felt like asking, between me and his Ex. Please, just choose one.

I'm not being self-fish, but who doesn't do the same thing If you're actually trying to work out the relationship so much? So much of love I've given, I even stopped myself from so much entertainment just because I don't want my boyfriend to worry or think so much. But in my mind, he just seems doesn't care about me that much. So what should I do ?

My best friend threw me a question, a very, very simple yet difficult question. She asked me:
" Don't you think you're draining so much from this relationship ? You seems so happy when you're with him. But in the meanwhile, there's so much of things draining you away from your friends, your family or even, Yourself. How long can you survive if you're gonna be like this, and He just doesn't care about you ? " At this while, it wakes me. It took me awhile to realize, everytime when I talked about my boyfriend, I cried. Because there's no word I could describe about my current situation. I don't know If I should be Happy, or Sad.

Drainage in relationship is really scary. Because you wouldn't know If it's good for you. You can be actually so happy with that particular person, and in the meantime, you're being sucked away with tears and thoughts which really hurtful.

Yes, I'm being drained so much.. that I'm worry that I have nothing to drain anymore and turn into numbness. I will never give up on this relationship, but I just hope by swallowing these stuffs. It'll will still keep me moving, and I still have the hurtful feelings to keep my hit and know that, I still Loves Him.

What about you?

Words without Describe

I could only say, probably what I thought of previously, " maybe things are really getting better ". Isn't just that right.. 2012.. Just wasn't a good year for Everyone.. I've learnt real lots this year, until today. Really.. and by that I know I've became physically, mentally and spiritually stronger. Things that doesn't kills you, eventually makes you stronger.

Realizing, I wasn't alone were something important. I'm happy to get new true friends in College, because all this while, friends that takes me for benefit and granted are just uncountable.. I couldn't bear my tears coming out when I think of what happened in my relationship. I've make so much blames and doubts in myself.. What did I do that caused Him like this ? Ain't I good enough to deserve He's love ? My mind was piece of blank darkness, that It almost made me kill myself. But No.. I know I need to stay tough and go through all these, in order for the future and working out things even more effectively. Being Strong, and Never Give Up. Are just the main point and focus in relationship, and everything we do.

I know by keeping a fake smile, wouldn't hide much longer. It's just , way too painful and hurtful I could take  it.. The moment I speak out with xx , I just pour out whatever I could.. that's the only thing I could do, to cry out the pain in my deepest heart .. I just want things to be simple, a relationship just that someone could let me lean on when I in need, someone that will let me care for, as well as a accompanion..

Love myself more before loving others.. is just something I already been learning, but it's just not easy for me.. Because I just priority the one I love first.. But this time I understand the meaning of it, and I've learnt it well. While I can't love myself, I will never worth or deserve to love someone's heart. Not just in relationship, friendship as well.

By making things to work out, I really think I should start learning and give some space in between both. A gap that we could breath. But faith and trust that remains.

Only one thing that I can rely on, That's Looking Up into the sky, and Think Forward of ' Hope '. :')..

A Smile.

I've learned a lot today, realized a lot today. So much that I couldn't say, I believe it's only between both of us know :) .. We both just have to work it out, and not give it up. I Love You.

Uhhhh..Aaahhh..

Books ? Yes, It's books and notes.
Finals starting tomorrow, and I'm totally Doomed. I have no idea why I just couldn't remember a thing at all eventhough I've studied completely for 3 times. Guess I'll just go with luck, idiot core sub which is in Malay huh =/ .. Why on earth does College still have Malay based subjects. Grrraaahhh..

Was pweetttyyy happy today, and things just going well as my brain doesn't think any other stuffs. Guess I've doubt & worrying too much of it. As me and my boyfriend were really going into a super busy time, and starts to have less communication :( . Stillllll ~ nothing will tear us away! Anywayyy, Had a good late lunch with sis. Went to this small little Japanese Restaurant that sells Onigiri ( Japanese Rice Ball , Triangle Type ). It was AWESOMEEEEEE. I shall get more and take picture soon. Anyone wanna go try :D?

Realizing that even all my past and experienced, has gave me a solution and guides to other people that facing the same obstacles that I used to face. God is great, as He's plan always has a purpose. It's not easy to handle a suicido friend, but If you've experienced it and you're alive today. I believe that particular solution is something that you used to overcome.

These people just came to me, and with the same reason and questions. I couldn't bear and just share with them all my ugly past and rainbow life now. I don't believe in eternity love when people tell me ' Ohh, We'll be together FOREVER ' . Seriously, you don't even bypass the stage of being a Whore. Because that's a level which everyone will have, and only after stabilize down for a proper sustained relationship :).

I've enjoyed much life now, knowing that worry is just part of the unnecessary. Because by complaining and just staying at the same square foot, we'll never able to change a thing.

Storms

It's been awhile i didn't update anything as things been goes well and i got lazy to blog about and update in it. Not until recently..

I have no where to express.. Other than to friends, facebook.. I really wanna shout it out loud with the top of my voice at the mountain.. I really cry it out until i have no more depression in me.. But i need to stay strong.. i need to know that nothings goes wrong.. and everything is gonna be fine ..

As most of people know what's happening to me. Yes, my mom. It's been so sudden for everything to happen in this time.. and so many things were not prepared.. or even having doubts or know of..I believe this round, it's really a nudge to everyone, especially my family, siblings, and most of all - me.

I couldn't bear the pain of looking into her being like this. I could felt the pain so badly, and i know she's in it 10 times more than all of us.. It's like a dead and live war for all.. and by that i must know, we are the soldiers for her that supports and cheer her.. as this is the only thing we could do, we are not doctors or even God..

It was really , really sudden for me .. as Sunday morning she called me and telling me how much she got better, even by her voice i can hear that she's under a good recovery.. and just right in the afternoon, everything were rotated, changed, reverted, worse like devils that pulls her into hell immediately.. My mind was totally blank, and i really don't know what to do for this 2 days.. but only to stay strong and spiritually support.. it break my heart the worst when my mom says she feels like giving up already.. the mind and feelings were just indescribable..

Everything got hit me so hard.. by knowing how much she actually loves everyone of us.. and for me.. she's been only worrying for me so much, so much that i didn't care of.. so much that i didn't realize of.. until this mean of point time.. When i already found it out.. It was alittle too late.. I can't give her hugs that i think is childish, i can't say I Love You to her that i think is weird, i can't tell her about my daily life as i think it's annoying.. So much things that i could regret of .. I just can't do it now..

I am still lost, really.. I don't know what to do right now.. What i can do it's just depending on God.. at least God gave me a peaceful heart today.. that really calms me and make me think all about the right things and positive things.. God you shown me vision, and i believe she will be fine. I believe this is the time where you allow yourself and gave her an opportunity to know you once again, an opportunity for my family to believe that you are the true healer and doctor that in this universe.. Because you shown me and told me she will be well.. and with faith of mustard seed you will show grace and mercy upon my mom..

I'm just hoping everything to be fine. Mom, you need to see me graduate. You will need to see i marry and have kids.. we have so many things that we haven't done.. You need to be strong and don't give up.. I really hope you will see this.. and hear everyone that in your surrounding is praying and supporting you..

God, i will just surrender everything to you.. Because i know you are the only one that could help her pull through everything.. May you give all of us the Peace.. This Storm, will be a bright sky just right after today..

15th Feb - Dotted.

Valentines' Day was even over already. I'm no longer 18 as I know. School days are like so out for me now.. hahaha.. still looking forward for Campus Life :) I bet i will like it tho !
As usual.. Work Work Work and Work. But slowly it's getting onto my daily life. I'm not tired and complaining after 2 weeks of working. Traveling and back to and from the same place are like a scheduled thing, Thank God I'm yet to really out to this society and start working for my life time ; Because It's really lifeless.

It brings me a Hit today, And lots of Nostalgia.. I almost cried out as It hurt so much. All I ever wanted was a family. I don't really mind and care about rich or poor, suffer or happy nor anything else.. But the secure and warmth of being together as a family.. Was serving this couple as I was working, looking at them pamper their son, joke with him, making him laugh and the son's laughter, Does really even make me now tears off when Thought of it.. I believe not everyone could understand how it feel.. But it reminds me of how my parents did the Love to me, how my siblings actually played with me and even if We fight, It's like.. something so missing and important now..
Children , Friends or anyone else out there. If you're having a secured family, now start cherish it. Don't wait until it's gone, and realize how wonderful it was. I know because I came from a Broken Family background .. Start loving them if you haven't.. Even you think that they are the one making you suffer so much. Still, they are the only one always be there for you. Your Family.

Was actually thinking lots of Drama for yesterday's Valentines. But too bad, I have no partner. Else I know how to give a surprise that will never forget :P .. Ends up spending my time with all the Alcohols .. Aww.. T.T .. It's okayyyy.. There's always next year ! hahahha

Guess it's time for bed. Good Night people ! :)

12th Feb - Life with Influenza.

I guess everyone heard about it, Whitney Houston's Dead. I was stunned when I first open my facebook, and it all pops up on the news feed wall. It was quite a sad thing, as one of the greatest voice in her generation was now being Silenced. I believe she's now with God in Heaven :) .. Singing with much joy along with all Angels.
I was to be said much listening to her songs, as it's really emo and good for break ups. :D. o ooops. lol. Well. not just that, as I also believe that she's a superwoman, that brings lot of inspiration to people. Life wise, she speaks lot about God if you do realize and research about her :).
I could only say, in any where else ; We will always need someone to influence us, and motivate us to move into a more rightful and success way. Friends, Family, Superstars are always one of the list for us to model about. But for me, I think God is my inspiration. God's People, are motivator for me in my life time.
Heard of lots of break up stories.. Is this the break up season ? Why is everybody having so much problems ? Guess It's really a bad beginning for this year :( .. Working was good today, but very boring and miss the colleagues as i was shifted to TimeSquare branch for a day.
Well.. Gotta sleep as tomorrow gonna Hardcore work again ! :( . GOOD NIGHTTT <3 <3

11 Feb - Faith ?

Woke up in the morning, as usual. Work just came into my mind the first thing. Now I realize that, I'm starting to miss school. Not because of the mind set thingy, but you doesn't need to worry about so much things, Allowance and Budget spending for a day, Timing accuracy, Punctuality. There's so many responsible after now..
I believe, Faith are something that everyone needs and have. Not just in Religion, Christianity. Rather that, in Works, Society, Family, Friends, Coworkers, Relationship and mostly in, God.
Let's put God's Theory aside first. Sharing about my own Experience. Really, For once I thought growing up fast, graduating from that hardcore jail place are one of the magic and wonders Genie granted me. I was wrong, I'm bearing with Responsible, Politics, Breaks on my Shoulder and Words of Criticism. It's all about Faith, If you're not strong with it. You definitely gonna be expel or isolated by this society. With all the anger, all the shit you need to tolerate with all the politics and high ranker ; Even you're NOT wrong and got blamed and scold, you can only keep quiet. We live in this World, the cost are Money. Without it, we are nothing, we will have no life as there's no supply. Of course, it's a new level and every part of it gives me a lesson. I thought I were mature enough handling things, But I was wrong. There's still so much things for me to learn about ; in matters of Responsible, Toleration, Relationship, Gossips and More that you could imagine. I really wish I could stuck my butt on my High School Chair, but still life are meant to be go on. :)

Now, the Christian ways. ( Is my own view and perspective )
God, might be not exist for non-believers. But definitely, Not all Believers believe that God exist. But personally, I do. Because until now, I still felt his presence onto me that blessed me so much. And this is the reason why am I still here. I saw a post in facebook, and it really encourage me. As I was praying to God another day, Forgive all my sins, although I'm still a sinner of Everyday. God wouldn't just abandon you for the things you did wrong, and there's always a purpose for it. The most important is, you know how to turn back, repent step by step. God never rushed you to do anything in just a minute, He's just too merciful and patient and full of love. Supply of this world, are decent for him. Because he will always make sure things are sufficient for me , and us :). The only thing is we are encounter and be responsible just alittle much to him.

Broke up after a week, makes me feel better. 6 Months just flew through.. like that.. I was quite disappointed at myself, as I will never happen be once that can be friends after a Clean Cut. But is really the best for me and you, as we already at this step. No point if we contact each other, are arguments. Hope you live your life to the fullness, and blessed. You're a good man. Though it's not about 3rd party problem. Still, Forgive me If it's my own problem. :) ..

Time to sleep ! Gosh shit, 3:24. Imma die tomorrow while working. =/. GOOD NIGHT. HEH. Peeps.

Owhhhh. I met a new friend today. AND I KINDA LIKEY. HAHA. *forgive for a sudden kid circumstances, as always* :P.

10 Feb - Instinct

Another day passed. Eventually, as I planned. Having a super recover sleep from the whole busy working and lacking week ! Pffft .. The maximum that I could sleep was just that 13 hours :( .. And I'm already O______O .. aww...
Quite lot of things that came into my mind when I was rolling and slacking on my bed xD.. Knowing my Instinct for most of the Time, Are quite true and accurate. The thing is I can't always depends on my Instinct, because not always that will lead me into the right way. I could only say, walk with faith and you will walk in the right path :)..
Grandpa was still not that conscious after that accident, still in ICU :( .. Praying hard that He will recover fast as he can't do any operation at his age.

Uhhhh.. Having a New Car soon I guess. Before College ! Muahahhaa.. Believing that God are giving me Triple Blessing recently.. and with alot of choice that I crocked made, I'm able to fix it back and be more blessed and bless other ppl too :) .